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The Battle of Gizzardfish
The S.O.B.
The Bastards take many forms, but in general they share at least one of the following traits: 1. Leader of an organization aimed at either world domination or global slaughter, 2. Ancient and evil origins that result in a state of near-immortality, 3. The sale of pre-worn undergarments on eBay for quick cash grabs. The list of the founding members is small, but deliciously foul record. Cannibal Ed, of course, was the mastermind of the Atomic Food Products crisis and managed total control of the world's (mutated) food supply for a short time. Ed is a brilliant geneticist, a born leader, and can cook a mean pot of chili. From the ravages of ancient Egypt comes the cursed Wireman, who collects children like first ladies collect shoes. Let's not forget Mr. Tripps, who has allegiances to the netherworld and an appetite for the souls of the mentally challenged. Lord Bent and his jihad on midgetkind was a shoe-in, and he brought Buddy Tardinski along to pay for Bent's weekly SOB dues with his own allowance. Public Enema #2, Shitman, was an obvious choice for membership, but he declined. It seems he had plans digesting deep below the modern world. The Society was getting along just dandy, often featuring intense bouts of paddle gaming action, genocide, and of course, all the chili they could eat. But then General Stumpy applied to the SOBs. His credentials looked fine. He controlled the Great Midget Rebellion, which was a billion midgets strong. He often sold his soiled undies on eBay as well. There was no legitimate reason to deny him entrance... ...until Bent found a page everybody had mysteriously overlooked in the SOB guidebook that read: "You must be this tall to join the Bastards." Stumpy and Bent had been warring for centuries, but the now furious tiny warmonger began attacks on the SOB headquarters, quickly making more enemies than he could handle. The first assault was the Battle of Gizzardfish.
The Trojan Fish
The Bastards launched their campaign by hiding inside a bloated Gizzardfish and piloting it towards General Stumpy's Caribbean headquarters. The midget scouts found it strange to see such a fine specimen of Excessivo Intestinus approaching their shores and stranger still when the dull hum of a chainsaw emanated from deep within it. Seconds later, the beast was bisected and the Bastards surfaced like maggots from...well, a dead fish. The flyers were the first wave of the GMR. Gifted with flight by means of tiny aerodynamic capes, the air strike was a notoriously brutal move, but the Wireman stepped forward like some great tempest of steel and barbs and plucked them from the sky above. The massive and deformed Megamidgets waded out to the battle, hesitant to make the same mistake that had felled their airborne brethren. Like whack-a-mole on a grand scale, Mr. Tripps cracked in their skulls one by one as they rose from the depths. Stumpy sent out his genetically perfect henchmen, Gonzoles the Wonder Midget (also known as Gonzales the Wonder Midget, Gonzolaz the Wonder Midget, and sometimes just Gonz). Gonzoles was a Bastard groupie. He had worked for Bent's army at least twice, Cannibal Ed's once, and had even battled his current master on several occasions. His long reign of treachery was cut short (well, shorter than he already was) by a couple of well placed Cajun meat cleavers to his torso. Buddy Tardinski went on a hugging rampage, mistaking screams of pain for shouts of joy. In fact, he was so caught up in the love, he didn't even realize General Stumpy himself had entered the skirmish and sawed off a good chunk of Buddy's leg. Angry that his favorite decoration was now tarnished, Bent went into a sawfrenzy, hacking down GMR agents with every gesture. The carnage at Gizzardfish was too much for the miniature megalomaniac to fend off and he was forced to retreat into his island fortress. But the battle of Necrobass Island is another story.... |
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